I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
