I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
