We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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