i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize