Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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