woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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