My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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