Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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