he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
