So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You were trust falling into bushes
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
