He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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