Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
