Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
