oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
