sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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