The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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