i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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