i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
