They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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