Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
