omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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