I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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