You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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