Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
