Even the bartender felt bad for me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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