Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
