i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
