somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
