i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize