I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We left an ass print on the piano.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize