Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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