happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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