U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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