I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
