Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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