he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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