I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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