Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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