I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He told me they were just razor bumps!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Man, jail baloney is awful.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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