every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
There was a lot of him and a little penis
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
