If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
