Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize