All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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