It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize