He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think people are normalizing furries
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
