saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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