Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
