So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
