my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
