I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
