Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My cat gives me a boner
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
