I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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