These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He shit in the fireplace
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
