He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
