Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
