I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
