I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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