please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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