Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
