I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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