On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
